What Self-Love Really Means (and What It Doesn’t)

September 8th — I opened my journal today and realized something: I've been writing about self-love for months, yet I've never really reflected on what it means, and what it doesn't. 

Beyond the Buzzword 

We live in a world that loves labels. Self-love has become one of those shiny words that gets thrown around everywhere – in captions, in hashtags, in marketing campaigns. Sometimes it feels diluted, almost like a trend. But for me, self-love isn't a buzzword. It's the work of my life. It's the soft, steady practice of learning to stay with myself, especially when I'd rather run away.

What I Once Believed

For a long time, I thought self-love was mostly about appearances. That if I looked in the mirror and told myself, "I'm beautiful, I'm desirable," then I was practicing self-love. And in some ways, there's truth in that. It matters how we speak to ourselves, how we see ourselves. 

And yes — even now, I often share the more "surface-level" parts of self-care: my bedtime rituals, my favorite shower foams, the small luxuries that make daily life softer. They are still an important part of how I care for myself and remind myself that I deserve tenderness and pleasure, too.

But beauty fades. Desire comes and goes. And I've come to see that the foundation we live on is so much deeper.

What Self-Love Truly Is

Now I understand that self-love is woven into the smallest choices of my everyday life.

It's the food I choose to nourish myself with.
It's moving in ways that bring me joy instead of punishment.
It's letting my body rest when it's tired.
It's saying no when my boundaries are crossed, and yes when something lights me up inside.
It's the people I allow into my life — who I trust with my softness, who I let influence the atmosphere of my days.

Self-love is not loud. It's not always glamorous. More often, it's quiet. It's brushing my teeth even when I'm exhausted. It's opening a window for fresh air. It's cooking myself dinner instead of skipping it. It's putting my phone down when my body whispers it's had enough noise. It's choosing presence over constant distraction.

And sometimes, self-love is bigger. It's making that doctor's appointment I've been putting off. It's asking for help when I don't have the strength to carry everything alone.

For me, one of the greatest acts of self-love has been therapy. Not because it was easy, but because it asked me to face wounds I had kept buried for years. Sitting in that room, allowing myself to be seen in my rawness, was terrifying — and healing. Therapy wasn't about "fixing" me. It was about finally saying to myself: You are worthy of care. Your pain deserves attention.

Self-love is also forgiveness, forgiving myself for the times I abandoned me. Forgiving others, when holding onto anger only chained me tighter. It's choosing to believe I can begin again, no matter how many times I've stumbled.

What Self-Love Is Not

I think this part is just as important, because so many of us have been taught the wrong things.

Self-love is not narcissism. It's not about being above others — it's about knowing I am equal. I am worthy, simply because I exist.

It's not perfection. Loving myself doesn't mean I'm always confident, glowing, or happy. Sometimes self-love looks like crying in bed and letting it be okay.

It's not indulgence at the expense of everything else. Yes, it can be bubble baths and flowers, but it's also paying bills on time, setting boundaries, and owning my mistakes.

And it's not toxic positivity. Self-love doesn't silence my pain or force a smile. It means holding space for my feelings — all of them — and still choosing to be kind to myself within them.

The Endless Ways to Love

Maybe the simplest way to understand self-love is this:
Every way you know how to love others, you can also love yourself.

If I would cook a nourishing meal for someone I care about, I can cook one for me.
If I would listen without judgment to a friend, I can sit with my own fears the same way.
If I would protect someone I love from harm, I can protect myself, too.
If I would celebrate another's joy, I can celebrate mine.

Self-love mirrors every act of love: the kindness, the patience, the forgiveness, the encouragement, the softness. It's all the same language — only, we so often forget to speak it inward.

That's why it can feel endless. Because there are infinite ways to love. And so, infinite ways to practice self-love.

Why It Matters

At its heart, self-love is belonging.
Belonging to myself, no matter what season I'm in. It's knowing I don't have to earn my own care. I don't have to perform for my own acceptance.

Self-love means holding myself with tenderness when I feel depressed, anxious, or lost — and also when I feel strong, joyful, and whole. It's loving the messy, unfinished parts as much as the polished, thriving ones. It's choosing not to abandon myself, even in the hardest chapters.

Because real self-love doesn't say, "I'll accept you when you're better."
It says, "I accept you now. Exactly as you are."

Without self-love, I abandon myself over and over again. I become a stranger to my own needs, a shadow in my own life. But when I practice self-love, even in imperfect ways, something shifts. I come home to myself.

It changes how I relate to others. I don't pour from an empty cup. I don't cling to people who harm me, because I know I can stand on my own. I don't lose myself as easily, because I've built a safe anchor inside.

Self-love is not a final destination. It's a daily, lifelong practice — some days softer, some days harder. But every day, it's worth it.

Because if I don't choose me, who will?

And in my next post, I'll share the endless, everyday ways I've found to practice self-love — because there are infinite ways to love yourself.

And now I'd love to ask you:
What does self-love mean to you, right now, in this season of your life?

If these words resonated with you, come join me on Instagram @selflavie for more soft reflections, gentle reminders, and slow living inspiration. 🌹 

Soft hugs,
Selflavie