The shadow that abandons me to be liked

July 16th – Somewhere between wanting to be liked and learning to choose myself. 

Some shadows wear a smile. They agree. They accommodate. They say "it's okay" even when it hurts. Just to avoid conflict. Just to be loved. This one runs deep.

I grew up learning that love could disappear when things got hard. That if I was too much, too sensitive, too demanding, I might not be wanted anymore. So I learned to be easy. 

To understand. To give people the benefit of the doubt. To stay silent when something didn't feel right. Even when it hurt me. Even when deep down I knew I deserved better.

This shadow still shows up sometimes. In moments when someone crosses a line, and I freeze.
In moments when I rewrite my own boundaries in my head just to keep the peace. In moments  when I don't say what I need, because I'm scared it'll be too much.

I've mistaken harmony for safety. But peace that comes at the cost of abandoning myself isn't peace at all. It's just a polished version of self-betrayal.

I'm learning that I don't need to be agreeable to be loved. That I can be kind and say no.
That I can disappoint someone and still be worthy. That I can have boundaries and still belong.

These days, when this shadow appears, I sit with it, not run from it. I ask myself gently: Am I being true to myself right now? Am I staying quiet to feel safe, or to feel loved?

And if the answer is yes, I pause. I breathe. I choose, intentionally, to honor what's true for me.

Sometimes that means saying, "That hurt." Sometimes that means saying, "This doesn't feel  good." Or sometimes that means just walking away. And each time, it's a conscious choice, one I have to keep making, again and again.

It's never easy, not when you're rewriting programming that was wired into you long ago. But it's freeing. And every time I decide to choose truth over pleasing, I come home to myself a little more. 

Shadow work isn't just about uncovering the pain. It's about making completely new choices, one honest moment at a time.

If this resonates, you might like the Gentle Shadow Journal. It holds space for this kind of quiet noticing. No performance. No pressure. Just deep self-honoring.

For more gentle moments and inner work, join me on Instagram @selflavie. I'd be so happy to see you there. 

Soft hugs,
Selflavie